It’s that time of year again! Here are the best jokes from this 2011’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival which was won by Nick Helm with an excellently relevent effort!
1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car …”
5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”
And of course the list would be complete without mentioning some of the WORST jokes out there too…
1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
2. Vladimir McTavish – “The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too.”
3. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.
4. Card Ninja – “I went to see this show and the guy said ‘Hey kid do you like magic?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said ‘Yeah!’ So he said ‘think of a number, times it by 2 and if it’s odd …’ Oh no, he’s a MATHmagician! “
5. Tom Webb – “Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.”
6. Nathan Caton – “Postcode wars? That sounds like a really [rubbish] BBC game show.”
7. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”
8. Mark Olver – “During my first murder I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”
9. Andrew O’Neill – “A song for the colour blind: “And I think to myself … why did I become a bomb disposal expert?”
The original story was posted on the Telegraph website: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/edinburgh-festival/8720290/Edinburgh-Fringe-jokes-top-10-best-jokes-at-this-years-festival.html
With the completion of local brewery website www.bowlandbrewery.com we thought it would be an ideal time to try to get some press exposure for ourselves and our Quaystone web management software and where better to start than the local newspaper?
It’s taken a little time (they only publish business news once a month) but lo and behold there we are, the biggest story on the page! The complete press release is below if you want to read the whole story but wow, we’re very happy this weekend indeed!
Brewing for online success
Following a highly successful year in terms of both sales growth and product awards, the Bowland Brewery is opening itself up to a wider audience through its brand new website www.bowlandbrewery.com and it is continuing its policy of using local suppliers wherever possible.
The site has been developed in partnership with local online agency Sawley Studios to raise the profile of the brewery and to ensure that the company’s emphasis on product quality is reflected in all of its external communications.
Within days of launch the new website showed a marked increase in visitors and online enquiries and feedback for the new design has been extremely positive.
Richard Baker, owner of The Bowland Beer Company said, ‘We’ve had a very exciting year with loads of awards at beer festivals, the launch of our Artisan Gold range and over 20% more sales than the previous year; we’ve been looking for a local internet partner to give us a great website for some time and Sawley Studios demonstrated an excellent understanding of our requirements and an impressive client base.’
‘Having watched the development of the site it was exciting to see a leap in visitors and positive feedback almost overnight and we already have some big plans to extend the site and promote the brewery and visitor centre even further.’
The Quaystone Website Management and E-Commerce system has been developed by Daniel Williams, former manager of the Spread Eagle, Sawley and even at this early stage has already enjoyed considerable national success. With a formal launch and marketing campaign planned for September and sponsorship of a major awards ceremony in Liverpool, Sawley Studios are heading for a very busy end of their first 18 months trading.
Daniel Williams commented, ‘Sawley Studios is growing quicker than all of our projections and I’m delighted to be able to offer our extensive online knowledge to a whole range of local businesses. Taking a break from website development and managing the Spread Eagle, Sawley for several years, Richard and I already had an excellent working relationship and I was delighted when we were contacted to discuss the development of an improved online presence for Bowland Brewery.’
Another excellent Fringe festival and here’s this years best (and worst) jokes!
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1 ) Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
2 ) David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3 ) Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
4 ) Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5 ) Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6 ) John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7 ) Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8 ) Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
9 ) Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”
10 ) Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”
Competition organisers Dave said each judge sat through an average of 60 performances, totalling 3,600 minutes of comedy material.
Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year’s Fringe, which included:
Sara Pascoe “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sean Hughes “You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap?”
John Luke Roberts “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”
Emo Phillips “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
Bec Hill “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”
Dan Antopolski “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”
Antopolski’s inclusion in the “worst joke” list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.
Story from BBC News Scotland:
OK, so apologies to anyone who already knows about this but I’ve managed to stumble across one of the greatest design resources and I just wanted to share the love…
I think everyone will find something in here, be it paper sizes, general design information or my particular favourite the web browser elements built as Photoshop layers to help designing websites:
I’m happy to continue this ’series’ if anyone has a similar resource you think I should know about and share with the world please leave me a comment.
Go forth and share the love!
Just to prove this isn’t going to be all development blah and business advice I do have some down time (occasionlly). I found this on the BBC website and thought I should share it with anyone wanting a giggle…
The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe jokes were judged to be:
1 ) Dan Antopolski - “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”
2 ) Paddy Lennox – “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”
3 ) Sarah Millican – “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”
4 ) Zoe Lyons – “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”
5 ) Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
6) Adam Hills – “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”
7 ) Marcus Brigstocke – “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”
8 ) Rhod Gilbert – “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”
9 ) Dan Antopolski – “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”
10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”
Story from BBC News Scotland:
Edinburgh Fringe Official Site:
The internet is one of the fastest growing phenomena’s of recent times and it’s showing no sign of letting up. From the early rise of a simple link between two computers to the dot com crash of the 90’s and on to social networking it appears that with faster broadband speeds and increasing numbers of home connections the internet is not only here to stay but is becoming a viable communication channel that’s getting hard for any business to ignore.
So, does your business need a website?
Quite simply, yes.
Adoption rates for internet sites are now at the highest levels ever. More people are connecting to the internet every day, more people are searching for information every day and more people are using the internet for sourcing products and services both locally and nationally every single day. The internet is now becoming as essential as gas and electricity and even the UK government is working to get broadband access to every home in the country by 2012.
The internet is now a socially accepted standard and no longer the in the realms of computer nerds. Everyone is getting better-connected and therefore better informed. Choices are no longer made through convenience but through informed decisions. The internet is finally getting used for the purpose it was intended and that is to better communicate ideas and to share information.
Not only empowering the overall global population, the internet has also completely levelled the playing field for businesses.
You no longer need a massive budget to advertise and promote your business 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days per year. Information can be specifically targeted and you can promote yourself and your business at a time convenient to your customers.
Anyone using traditional advertising and promotional methods has usually been working blind. Adverts only last days or months and flyers and leaflets can be even shorter. Used in exactly the right context, in exactly the right place, to exactly the right people these are still very powerful communication channels but how do you get to the right people? Using the internet, if someone types into their favourite search engine ‘I want your type of business near me’ you’ve already got a priceless captive audience and you’ve also got an immense opportunity for shameless self promotion.
Getting listed on search engines is priceless to any business and is almost an entire art in itself, but it all starts with building a successful website.
You’re no longer limited to a small square space in colour or black and white. You don’t have to carefully select 10-15 words for a single line of text. You can upload as much, or as little, information as people need. Add images and video, sound and upcoming events, news or useful information; the possibilities are endless. All of this can be going on at 11am when someone’s on a coffee-break in the office or 8pm when they’re relaxing at home. Most importantly you’re giving this information to people already looking for what you have to offer.