Archive for category Downtime Smiles

Top 10 Fringe Jokes 2011

Nick Helm with this 2011's Dave award

It’s that time of year again! Here are the best jokes from this 2011’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival which was won by Nick Helm with an excellently relevent effort!

1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car …”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”

And of course the list would be complete without mentioning some of the WORST jokes out there too…

1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

2. Vladimir McTavish – “The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too.”

3. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.

4. Card Ninja – “I went to see this show and the guy said ‘Hey kid do you like magic?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said ‘Yeah!’ So he said ‘think of a number, times it by 2 and if it’s odd …’ Oh no, he’s a MATHmagician! “

5. Tom Webb – “Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.”

6. Nathan Caton – “Postcode wars? That sounds like a really [rubbish] BBC game show.”

7. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”

8. Mark Olver – “During my first murder I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”

9. Andrew O’Neill – “A song for the colour blind: “And I think to myself … why did I become a bomb disposal expert?”

The original story was posted on the Telegraph website:

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Top 10 Fringe Jokes 2010

Tim Vine - 2010's Funniest Joke Winner

Tim Vine - 2010's Funniest Joke Winner

Another excellent Fringe festival and here’s this years best (and worst) jokes!

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1 ) Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

2 ) David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

3 ) Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

4 ) Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

5 ) Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

6 ) John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

7 ) Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

8 ) Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

9 ) Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”

10 ) Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

Competition organisers Dave said each judge sat through an average of 60 performances, totalling 3,600 minutes of comedy material.

Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year’s Fringe, which included:

Sara Pascoe “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”

Sean Hughes “You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap?”

John Luke Roberts “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”

Emo Phillips “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

Bec Hill “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”

Dan Antopolski “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”

Antopolski’s inclusion in the “worst joke” list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.

Story from BBC News Scotland:

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Top 10 Fringe Jokes 2009

Edinburgh Fringe Logo

Just to prove this isn’t going to be all development blah and business advice I do have some down time (occasionlly). I found this on the BBC website and thought I should share it with anyone wanting a giggle…

The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe jokes were judged to be:

1 ) Dan Antopolski - “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

2 ) Paddy Lennox – “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

3 ) Sarah Millican – “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”

4 ) Zoe Lyons – “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”

5 ) Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

6) Adam Hills – “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”

7 ) Marcus Brigstocke – “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”

8 ) Rhod Gilbert – “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”

9 ) Dan Antopolski – “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”

Story from BBC News Scotland:

Edinburgh Fringe Official Site:

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