Archive for September, 2011

Top 10 Fringe Jokes 2011

Nick Helm with this 2011's Dave award

It’s that time of year again! Here are the best jokes from this 2011’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival which was won by Nick Helm with an excellently relevent effort!

1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car …”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”

And of course the list would be complete without mentioning some of the WORST jokes out there too…

1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

2. Vladimir McTavish – “The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too.”

3. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.

4. Card Ninja – “I went to see this show and the guy said ‘Hey kid do you like magic?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said ‘Yeah!’ So he said ‘think of a number, times it by 2 and if it’s odd …’ Oh no, he’s a MATHmagician! “

5. Tom Webb – “Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.”

6. Nathan Caton – “Postcode wars? That sounds like a really [rubbish] BBC game show.”

7. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”

8. Mark Olver – “During my first murder I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”

9. Andrew O’Neill – “A song for the colour blind: “And I think to myself … why did I become a bomb disposal expert?”

The original story was posted on the Telegraph website:

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